breaking (bad) habits: part 2
4 minute read
Let's get absolutely clear on this, while certain habits might be bad for us, they are not our enemy, they are signals. They are reactions we have learned in order to adapt to uncomfortable situations.
Not safe. Not enough.
That's generally why - at least to some degree.
first things first
At the base of all this, there's a physical sensation.
The bad habits that we build are often designed to block us from feeling that physical sensation because it's so uncomfortable or threatening to us, either because it leaves us feeling unsafe, or not enough. That at some level we're going to be rejected, abandoned, or worse.
It's survival at the end of the day.
Strange to think that when you lift that cigarette, glass of alcohol, or that sweet food to your mouth, you are just trying to save yourself from the pain.
a common approach
One common approach for breaking bad habits is substitution. Think of the bad habit as a coping mechanism - you're just trying to get through the day and not have to face the unresolved trauma or negative emotion that is lurking there in the background. So every time it rises to the surface you push it down with a sensation that isn't that.
It's the same pattern behind obsessive-compulsive disorder, perhaps you are familiar with it? We adopt a practice or behaviour, we learn a habit, and in doing so reduce the anxiety or the tension of having to feel the full experience of what is in us left unlived.
The habit reduces the tension just enough, for a while, until the habit needs to be repeated again, and so it goes on.
The act of substitution is to find a new habit, a new coping mechanism, a new sensation, but one that is healthier than what we were doing before.
Clearly, this isn't a bad move. A man I used to know moved to a town in which I once lived and broke his addiction to heroin by becoming an alcoholic. For him, he knew it was a safer option, and it's possible that his life was extended as a result.
healing
Depending on where someone is when I meet them in private practice depends on the invitations I make to them. It's not uncommon to make the first step about developing healthier coping mechanisms.
In general we do this in three ways: We change our attitude to our environment, we change our environment, or we change our relationship to ourselves.
It's arguable that if we really want to resolve bad habits though we do well to look at what is truly behind them, this is not just about acknowledging triggers and changing behaviours, it is about confronting the feelings at the core of them.
It is about changing our relationship to ourselves - meaning that we change how we relate to our experiences of being alive, specifically to the sensations in the body as well as the thoughts, images, and symbols in our minds.
sit with the discomfort
Herein lies (potentially) the greatest challenge.
If you have ever suffered from panic attacks or anxiety you will appreciate how difficult this can be, which is why I say that in private practice I always meet people where they are at. For some people, the first step is to create a better coping mechanism rather than jumping straight into feeling any distressful feelings.
While it's important to recognise that you don't just have to jump straight in and that there are alternatives to feeling and sitting with the discomfort of the distressing feelings that you might be having, your ultimate healing will invariably be found in that place. Also, you don't have to race there, you go at a rate, and at a pace, and travel in ways that are optimal for your healing.
in summary
Change your environment:
Removing yourself from the environment that contains the triggers or the things that are causing you to repeat behavioural patterns that are no longer serving you is one option.
Change your attitude to your environment:
Learning what triggers you and choosing a different pathway, different actions, and different responses can help you to limit negative habits - replacing them with better ones.
Change your relationship to yourself:
What feeling condition or state are you not allowing yourself to feel? Often this is resolved in a single sentence, we know it when we hear ourselves say it because there is a truth within it that resonates like a bell, and will often correspond to some quality of not feeling safe, or not feeling enough just as we are.
Be safe.
And remember, you are enough.
